Family Guy A jaded match-stuff puzzler. A game that could be dressed up in the stripped flesh of another franchise and you wouldn’t even notice. It is, to put not too fine a point on it, complete garbage.

Family Guy

There’s a word on the icon for Family Guy: Another Freakin’ Mobile Game. It says “new”. Whether this is simply a statement of the game’s release, or another attempt at the mobile-baiting humour the game seems to love, it’s hard to tell.

Either way, there is almost nothing new about AFGM. It is a match-stuff puzzler featuring characters from the long-running adult cartoon. It is full of jokes that are neither funny nor refreshing, and quite a lot of it feels like it’s been created in a rush.

It’s a game that enjoys laughing at you for playing it. A game that could be dressed up in the stripped flesh of another franchise and you wouldn’t even notice. It is, to put not too fine a point on it, complete garbage.

The spirit of Match-achusetts

Much like every other free to play matching puzzler that has ever existed, this one is about chaining together combos of three or more items of the same kind.

Here, the colourful blobs you’re swapping around represent drinks. AFGM is all about drinking. And condoms. And getting make-up for Meg, the ugly one, because she wants to kiss that man off the news.

There’s a story about Peter starting up a business where he drives around the neighbourhood selling booze to people. It’s all basically nonsense though, and it’s so poorly written you’re going to skip the cutscenes

family-guy

Sometimes you need to break ice to uncover objects below it. Sometimes you need to make matches on condoms so Quagmire can make sure he doesn’t have any more children. There are boss fights too. With the chicken.

Mechanically, there’s nothing wrong with the game. You swipe to make matches, tap to use special moves, and that’s about it. It’s ugly in places, and sometimes the assets look like they’ve not properly loaded.

But there’s such a thread of cynicism and poorly weighted gross-out humour here that it’s almost impossible to like the game. It’s not just crude, it’s childishly crude, and taunts you constantly for even playing it.

Oh no

Family Guy: Another Freakin’ Mobile Game is a prime example of the soulless, cash-greedy mobile gaming that so many people think the App Store is all about. It will be held up as an example of how mobile is dead. It will also make a lot of money.

You deserve better though. You deserve to play something wonderful and beautiful that makes you realise just how important the mobile gaming experience can be.

Luckily, there are plenty of games like that. Ignore this one, go and do something – anything – else. Your life will be all the better for it, trust me.

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